(This is an except from my journal. If it's too personal, you don't have to read it!)
I hate drawing that dot. The dot on my calendar every month that marks the day my hopes of having a baby are shattered again. Over and over. Month after month. What's wrong with me that God isn't granting me a baby? Why doesn't He see me qualified? I feel so alone. I have like 12 friends just this month who have had babies. I'm the only one in my play group of 5 moms who doesn't have an infant in their arms. And one of my best friends just told me she is expecting. And I love babies and I genuinely am SO happy for all of them, it just hurts so much that month after month I continue to be barren. I know- I have two children, so I should just be happy with that. But why would God allow a desire for a third child to continue to dwell in my heart if He isn't fulfilling that desire? I feel so alone, but I know I'm not, so then I pray for all the moms I know and don't know who go through the same sadness and heartache every month. God, why? What have I done? What can I do? I pray for peace and joy that will be stronger than the sadness, pain, grief, and feeling of loss. God, grant me joy and peace. God, please grant me the desire of my heart to have another baby to love and to teach to love you and live for you. Please, Lord, please.
I hate drawing that dot. The dot on my calendar every month that marks the day my hopes of having a baby are shattered again. Over and over. Month after month. What's wrong with me that God isn't granting me a baby? Why doesn't He see me qualified? I feel so alone. I have like 12 friends just this month who have had babies. I'm the only one in my play group of 5 moms who doesn't have an infant in their arms. And one of my best friends just told me she is expecting. And I love babies and I genuinely am SO happy for all of them, it just hurts so much that month after month I continue to be barren. I know- I have two children, so I should just be happy with that. But why would God allow a desire for a third child to continue to dwell in my heart if He isn't fulfilling that desire? I feel so alone, but I know I'm not, so then I pray for all the moms I know and don't know who go through the same sadness and heartache every month. God, why? What have I done? What can I do? I pray for peace and joy that will be stronger than the sadness, pain, grief, and feeling of loss. God, grant me joy and peace. God, please grant me the desire of my heart to have another baby to love and to teach to love you and live for you. Please, Lord, please.
